The Real Threat to Marriage

Rev. Peter Friedrichs

October 18, 2009

READING

SERMON

I want to admit that, from the start, this was not an easy sermon to write. What is there to say about treating all human beings equally, with full equal rights under the law except: Duh! I mean, really. It's so obvious that I found it hard to sit down and write 2,000 words about it. And then there's the fact that I'm preaching to you today. To all of you. To the converted and the committed. Preaching to the choir, as they say. Isn't everyone in this room already convinced that our gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender brothers and sisters should be treated fairly, with respect and with full civil rights, including the right to marry? Isn't this a debate that is, as the kids say, "so last century?"

Well, unfortunately, it's not. And while I think it's fair to say that most of us here today stand in favor of equal rights for gays, and for full marriage equality, there are probably some of us who have some reservations about it and perhaps even a few who oppose it. And it's clear that we, as a welcoming congregation, and Unitarian Universalism as a faith that has supported full and equal rights for GBLT persons for more than twenty years, are in the minority in our society. Still.

I was reminded of that vividly when Bob Casey, our own Senator from Pennsylvania, was interviewed last weekend. When asked of his opinion about President Obama's plan to repeal the Defense of Marriage Act, which defines marriage as being between a man and a woman, Casey said "I don't think that's the way to go. We can move forward on a lot of issues, but I'm not sure there's the support for that." "I'm not sure there's the support for that?" I think I'd say there's not the political will to take a leadership stand for that. And while our beloved President said that he will push for the repeal of DOMA, even he lacks the political will to advocate for marriage equality, opting instead for the safer "civil unions" approach.

Last weekend I joined thousands of other Americans at the National Equality March in Washington. It was a beautiful day in DC and the atmosphere of the march was festive. Not at all confrontational. There were surprisingly few counter-demonstrators along the route, and our numbers filled the west lawn of the Capitol and spilled out into the surrounding streets. My wife Irene, our daughter Becka and I were among the 1,000 or so Unitarian Universalists who marched under the "Standing on the Side of Love" banner. Two things struck me about this event and this experience. The first was how normal it all felt. Walking down Pennsylvania Avenue surrounded by men holding hands of other men. Women arm in arm with their partners. Same-sex couples pushing their children in strollers or carrying them on their shoulders, waving flags and eating granola bars. Balloons and characters dressed up in costumes. If ever there was a "family-friendly" event, this was it.

The second thing that struck me about this event was how sad it was. How sad that it had to take place at all. It saddened me to meet folks at the march who had been demonstrating year after year, for decades, for equal rights for gays and lesbians. It broke my heart to know that these beautiful children from loving families were subject to ridicule and harassment at school. That their parents had to hide who they were at work so they didn't lose their jobs. That our governments, both state and local, have legislated discrimination against them. And, perhaps saddest of all, was when, toward the end of the march, I heard calls of "see you next year." There was so much embedded in that statement. Resignation to the fact that things will not be fixed in a year. Hope that things will change. Commitment to continue the work of justice.

The debate over marriage equality, over "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" and over gay rights has been drawn largely along religious lines. Conservative churches, mostly but not exclusively Christian, point to passages in the Bible and claim that homosexuality is an abomination in the eyes of God. And as a Christian nation, or at least as a nation ruled by men and women who are primarily Christian, and who answer to those constituents who possess the power and the money and who are largely Christian, our leaders have rationalized and institutionalized hatred and discrimination on the basis of faith. Christians proof-text the Bible, selectively choosing parts of the Book of Leviticus or the letters of Paul to justify their hatred of gays, while ignoring the central message that Jesus taught, to love your neighbor as you love yourself, and to do unto them as you would have done unto you.

There are those who oppose marriage between same-sex couples on the grounds that it will erode or threaten the institution of marriage and will lead to the destruction of the family. Leaving aside the fact that marriage is, at least statistically, already embattled, I simply cannot fathom this argument. I have researched this position and wracked my brain to make sense of it, and the best I can come up with starts with the premise that God ordained marriage as a union between a man and a woman for the purpose of procreation. If this is the case, allowing two men or two women to marry is against God's will because same sex couples cannot procreate. And if we can't procreate, then there goes the family, our civilization and life as we know it. Of course, using that same logic, we should require all heterosexual couples to take fertility tests before they get married and we should prohibit infertile couples from tying the knot. So-called "gay marriage" is not in any way a threat to marriage and families any more than marriage between two people who are unable to conceive is. This argument is simply absurd. Marriage between same-sex partners does not discourage marriage by heterosexual couples, nor does it have a negative effect on the longevity of those marriages. We know from statistics in Massachusetts, where gay marriage has been legal since 2004, that the incidence of divorce has not increased as a result of marriage equality. In fact, in the past five years divorce rates in Massachusetts have declined to a rate not seen nationally since the halcyon days of 1940. So clearly allowing same-sex couples to wed does not promote promiscuity, adultery, pedophilia, or any of the other parade of horribles presented by those who oppose marriage equality. And, I might add, it provides another avenue for the adoption of all those unwanted children born to mothers who refuse to use birth control or have an abortion because it's against their religion.

The "threat to marriage" argument is nothing more than a smokescreen. It is propounded to obscure and to camouflage what are, in my mind, the real threats to marriage and family. Close-mindedness. Intolerance. Discrimination. Hate. These are the true values that undergird the arguments against marriage equality. These are the values that the religious right promotes, wrapping themselves in the flag and pointing to the Bible, while their principles are totally anti-American and completely un-Christian. And, if you want to talk about a threat to marriage and the family, consider the children. Parents who see gays and lesbians as less than fully human are teaching their children these venomous values, perpetuating reprehensible myths generation after generation. Just as children of abuse often grow up to abuse, so do children of hate grow up to be haters.

At the march last Sunday I saw a mixed-race couple carrying a sign that read "Fifty years ago our marriage was illegal" and it hit me right between the eyes. The struggle for equal rights for GBLT's is in every way identical to the civil rights struggle we experienced in the '50's and '60's. And those who would deny same-sex couples the right to marry are no different than the bigots and racists who opposed full and equal rights for all people of color. Have we not learned from experience that "separate but equal" is not equal, that all human beings are nothing if not fully human, deserving of equal rights and equal protection under law? Marriage equality is not simply a question of competing senses of morality. It is a question of justice. Dr. King said that" injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere" and I say to you that justice everywhere is at risk as long as we continue to deny full equality to our GBLT sisters and brothers.

I am proud to belong to a church that stands on the side of love, that proclaims a doctrine of faith over fear, and that works toward justice for all. Unitarian Universalists have been on the leading edge, the bleeding edge, of the issue of gay rights and marriage equality for decades. Our faith is sometimes criticized or mocked as a place where you can believe whatever you want to believe. People say that we're a religion without a religious core. But if there is one value that stands at the center of who we are, it's a belief in respect and dignity for all. No exceptions. You cannot claim to be a Unitarian Universalist and justify discrimination in any form or fashion. The two are simply incompatible, mutually exclusive. Equality is our highest value and its pursuit is our highest calling.

I am convinced that equal rights for lesbians, gays, bisexuals and transgenders is inevitable. I believe in my heart that, as the Unitarian minister Theodore Parker said back in 1853 and Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. said in 1965, "the arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends toward justice." I believe that the generations that succeed us, including the youth you have seen participating in our worship service today, will ensure equality for all, regardless of sexual orientation or gender identity. I have no doubt about that. But as then-candidate Barack Obama said on the 40th anniversary of Dr. King's death, "[the arc of the moral universe] does not bend on its own. It bends because each of us puts our hands on that arc and bends it toward justice."^[1]

And so I ask you today, dear friends, what will you do to bend the arc of the moral universe? How will you put your faith into action? As we speak, Unitarian Universalist congregations in the State of Maine are mobilized to defeat a referendum that would overturn the legislature's approval of same-sex marriages. They could use your support. Congress is considering repeal of the Defense of Marriage Act and may undertake a review of Don't Ask, Don't Tell. Senators Casey and Specter oppose the move and need to hear your opinion. In Harrisburg, HB 300, an act to broaden the protections of the PA Human Rights Act to include sexual orientation and gender identity, is up for consideration and needs our support. Last May, State Senator Daylin Leach courageously proposed a bill to legalize same-sex marriage in Pennsylvania and it's languishing in the Judiciary Committee. And for the third time, an amendment to the Pennsylvania Constitution banning same-sex marriage has been introduced. There is no shortage of opportunities for us to put our hands on the arc and bend it more quickly, more determinedly, more forcefully, toward justice. For those of you who bemoan the fact that you were too young or too busy to fight for civil rights for African Americans in the '60s, now's your chance.

Ultimately, the real threat to marriage, and to family, and to our civilized society, is complacency. We've all heard the saying that "all that is necessary for the triumph of evil is for good people to do nothing" and that could not be truer than in this case. Our faith calls us to promote equality and justice in all human relations. And so we must be attentive to all our relationships. Our private and public relationships. Our most intimate and our most expansive. Our relationships with those we know and love, and with those who share but a single common condition called humanity. The apostle Paul, whose words are so often used to justify and validate discrimination against gays and lesbians, famously wrote that love is patient and love is kind. But he also wrote that love always protects, always hopes, always perseveres. Love, he wrote, never fails. And so I say to you, it is up to us to protect and to persevere in the name of love. It is up to all of us to embody this truth, that love never fails. With all our brothers and sisters, straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, queer or questioning, we must march on the side of love. We must speak and write letters and make phone calls on the side of love. We must, in all ways and at all times, stand on the side of love.

May it be so.

^[1] Barack Obama, speech in Fort Wayne, Indiana, April 4, 2008

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